Alright, some time ago I publicly
invited any interested parties to write a Guest Journal Entry.
Well, apparently after several months in the works, a manuscript
(and I use that term very loosely) was finally submitted to me.
By Barney.
Hmm.
Well, let's see if we can make sense out
of this garble of words...
19
Months At The Arnold House, A Recap
[Helter-skelter often-incorrect memories by Barney,
wonderfully accurate translation by Glenn.]
Names have been changed to protect the innocent..
Yeah right, this is me remember….
[Yeah, but who's gonna protect the
innocent from your
punctuation and grammar?]
Feb 1999- 1 dead dog (sorry, that’s the
way it started….). What,
a party already, cool!
Glenn,
I need to use the phone!!!
What’s a chat room???
Hey Roy, can you come over and fix my computer?
Glenn, I need to use the phone again!!!
Hey Roy, can you come over again to fix my computer???
WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Boy,
Kathleen’s over here a lot….
[Actually,
my dog died in December of the previous year, but what's a few
months difference? Here, Barney is trying to show that I spent a lot
of time online and that I allegedly busted his computer.
Well, I admit that I spent quite a few late-nights online, but
as far as the computer problem, that was just a by-product of
deleting that little-used thing known as the Registry.
Hey, not my fault.]
March 1999-
Gee, I’ve already told Darrell I was going to play on
his co-ed team… Kathleen
wants me to move out,,, she’s going to move back in….
Boy, I get to move again.
Damn, another party?
Glenn! I
need to use the phone!!!
WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
[According
to unsubstantiated rumors, I was trying to steal Barney away
from Darrell's coed team. This, of course, was utterly
false. The truth is, Barney was dying to play on my team,
so much so that he actually offered to eat less of my food.]
April 1999-
Where’s Kathleen???
Oh, sorry about that…
Guess I get to stay at your house a little longer now,
eh? Softball!!!!
Cool- you met someone from Green Bay in a chat room!!
Who’s the “Fair Maiden”??
WEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[Back
then, Kathleen
and I were on and off more times than the light switch in the
Oval Office. But this time, it was the final off. "Someone from Green Bay" turned out
to be a psycho chick that I met in a chat room. "The Fair Maiden" turned
out to be one of my best online pals, Lisa. And later, she
helped me achieve my one and only claim to be a part of the
Internet Age: we actually started dating.]
May 1999-
John Stockton passes to Karl Malone…
WHOOOOOOPIEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Ok, enough of that, I’ve got a final to study for…. No details from the roomie…
You’re no fun…
Another
sweet tart shooter please.
Glenn-
phone….
[The whole
Stockton-Malone thing was sort of an inside joke. Much
like the Utah Jazz's John Stockton assists on many of Karl Malone's
points, Barney liked to think he assisted me in finding
women. In reality, the only thing Barney passed to me was gas.]
June 1999-
Who’s in Chicago?
The weekend, eh?
Karl
Malone drives the lane….
Why is this person, Tammy B. e-mailing me?
Hey cool, she’s from Green Bay…
Ummm, no Glenn is not around.
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
[Yes,
I flew to Chicago to meet some online friends, and yes, I did
hook up with "The Fair Maiden." But no, psycho
chick Tammy wasn't there. By this time, I had already
shuffled her off onto Barney.]
July 1999-
Why is this psycho Tammy B. still e-mailing me…
Ummm, no, Glenn is still not around.
VEGAS BABY!!!
Plan
a wine party, sure that sounds cool- this means I need to clean
my bathroom right??!!
Roomie-
need to use the phone!!
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[A
word about "WEEEEEEEEEE": Much like an obsessive
small
child, Barney first discovered his pee-pee while living at my
house. Lucky me.]
Aug 1999-
I get to play on Glenn’s co-ed team!!!
Darrell turned in his application late!!!
Whew, dodged a bullet on that one…
Another sweet tart please,,,,,,,
Stockton dishes to Malone….
Cool! We got
another dog!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[Okay,
okay, I admit it. I stole Barney from Darrell's
team. Along with Coco, Carrie, and now Beth. I can't
help it. I'm a kleptoplayeromaniac.]
Sept 1999-
And another dead dog….
What a shitty month.
[I
kept our new puppy in the laundry room. Apparently, he
wanted to see how the dryer worked and he fell behind it and got
tangled up in the wires. Very gruesome and completely
upsetting. Shitty month indeed.]
Oct 1999-
The wine party!!!!
Dear
god, get a load of Molly!!!
It’s “Mardi” Gras time…
Karl storms the lane… Dunk...
Is that apple juice?
It's not?... Where’s the shovel?
Green Bay versus San Diego…
Lets find some Mickey Mouse ears…
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[This
was the first time we ever saw Molly out of her softball
uniform....Uh, maybe I should rephrase that....And no, I didn't
hook up at this wine party. As for the apple juice thingy,
well let's just say that one of our overnight guests drank their
breakfast the next morning. The shovel comment refers to
Barney's unusual desire to excavate pet graves in the
backyard. Weird motherfucker, that Barney. Oh, and
Barney and I had a bet on the Chargers-Packers game in which the
loser had to wear Mickey Mouse ears in a softball game.
Let me tell you, those things really created some nasty wind resistance.
Bastard Chargers.]
Nov 1999-
Gee, Kathleen made a visit….
Lisa called 68 times between 1 am and 5 am….
Enough said. Ok,
this Tammy person is nuts!
God damn it, the cat pissed on my jeans….
WEEEE???
[After a couple
of months of long-distance dating with Lisa "The Fair
Maiden," I called it off. Needless to say, she wasn't
too thrilled. And secretly, I'm glad that the cat finally
chose something to piss on that wasn't expensive, electronic,
edible, or mine.]
Dec 1999-
What’s “losers Christmas”???
Oh, got it… A
sledding hill is being built in the front yard, and a in ground
pool is being built in the backyard…
Shooo be doooo be doooo…….
Merry Christmas Roomie-
Where’s my wine??
[Loser's
Christmas: All lonely losers were invited to a Christmas
Eve Party. Sledding Hill: Don't ask. In-Ground
Pool: Don't ask either. Shooo Be
Doooo: I have no idea. So much for the translation on
this one.]
Jan 2000- The new years party… Lisa's blown tire in Pittsburgh…
An extra day here?…
Isn’t
Pittsburgh more than ½ way???
What, plan another wine party??
Sure!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
A new computer is planned…
[Lisa's
visit occurred in August of '99, not in January. She
was a distant memory by January. Christ, Barney, you gotta
stop playing with your pee-pee. It's affecting your brain.]
Feb 2000-
It’s
a wedding!! Dude-
you took our room… Look
out, that board ends!!!!
The
beach bj…. Lisa, welcome to Dumpsville, population YOU!!
It’s the birthday party!!!! And another “Mardi”
Gras… Malone in
the lane, slam dunk!!!
Can
you say Ralph? Can
you say Hurl? Can you say missed softball practice? I can say “help me!!”
wee.
[To make a long
story short: We went to Darrell's wedding in North Carolina (which
actually took place in October), Lisa and I hijacked Barney's
room, Lisa got drunk and fell down, we didn't have a wine party
this month so I didn't hook up with anyone, Barney got amazingly
drunk for his birthday, and FOR THE LAST TIME, there was no oral
sexual encounter on the beach! Sheesh.]
March 2000-
Yippee, Florence, South Carolina.
64
ounces of beans and 4 chili cheese hot dogs…
One pissed off BD Love and Scotty “Flashdance” Coco…
The posted speed.
Dear god, thank you for ending Florence.
Never again WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
[If
a car is traveling 312 miles south at exactly 55 miles per hour
and 2 of the occupants consume 64 ounces of beans 3 hours prior
to the 2:30 p.m. departure time, then what region was generally
considered the "new cultural center" of Mozambique in the years
immediately following that countries' civil war?]
April 2000-
Softball starts!!!
It’s
another wine party. It’s
a white out on the “Mardi” Gras.
Stockton on the bench, Malone misses the lay up…
[Jesus,
Barney........April 2000:
No wine party, no Mardi, no Stockton, no Malone.]
May 2000-
God damn, does that couch stink….
Damn cat.... Febreeze..
WEEEEEE!!!
It’s black, it’s new, and it actually makes water
into ice!! The
freezer, part II!!! You
want to take away the old refridge??
No way- that’s a house warming gift for Roy…
FUCK! That
god damned couch really stinks!!!
Sleepy time Matthew-
how was that couch??
[Just
one comment here: Who in the hell calls a refrigerator a "refridge?"]
June 2000-
Roomie- I’m getting engaged and buying a house….
Sniff, sniff….
Oh
jesus, I’m going to have to clean my bathroom soon...
[To
this day, I can't quite figure out how the 370-pound Barney sat
on that little toilet without making one hell of a suction.]
July 2000-
Who’s this girl, Beth???
Dude, she can play some ball…
Nah, they’ll never figure out you’re trying to steal
her… Sure, I’ll
play in a fucked up all night tournament with you!!
I’m not going to sleep…
Cool, Beth has a dog!!
Poor guy, doesn’t know what’s in store for him…
[Yeah,
I seem to have bad luck with pets and women. The theory is
simple: Anything that sleeps in my bed eventually dies or
leaves me. Of course, the frickin' cat must have some kind
of immunity or something...]
Aug 2000-
I’m
really going to miss my roomie…..
Stockton no longer needed- retirement will be boring…
[It's
not called retirement, roomie, it's called getting
engaged. Retirement is when you watch TV all day and wish
you had something else to do; marriage is when you watch TV all
day and your wife knows you have something else to do.]
- The Barney!
[And The
Glenn]
