THE TOP TWENTY-ONE MOMENTS FROM THE 2003 BONUS TRIP TO LAS
VEGAS:
21. Kenny and Barney make fun of Glenn for wearing Chino's
and a collared shirt while they sport jeans and sweatshirts.
Glenn is referred to as "Ball Hugger Pants" and "Flat Crotch."
20. A bitter old man at the blackjack table at the Rio
Hotel complains endlessly about how much money he's lost in
Vegas. He then proceeds to play like a moron, causing the
rest of the table to lose several hands.
19. After losing a bunch of money at the table at the
MGM Grand, Kenny starts playing with Glenn's chips when Glenn
goes off for a cigarette break.
18. Having not taken a dump for almost 2 days, Glenn
turns the hotel room into a noxious tomb of deadly gas.
The smell of rotting food is permanent.
17. Kenny excuses himself from the blackjack table at
the MGM to go to the bathroom. He comes back 10 minutes
later with a pair of hundred-dollar bills and a big smile on his
face. Dealer Joe looks at Kenny and says, "What the
hell did you just do in the bathroom to get that
$200?"
16. After a trip to the seedy and uninspiring Gold Coast
casino, Kenny bitches about the place and dubs it "The
Golden Morgue."
15. Barney and Kenny get tired of playing the tables and
decide to go to a nudie bar across the street from the hotel
called Pink E's. On their way out, they ask the doorman
what Pink E's is like. The doorman informs them that
Pink E's is actually a pool hall. Barney and Kenny
dejectedly return to the blackjack tables.
14. Barney loses $100 in the first 5 minutes after
sitting down at a $10 blackjack table. He gets up and goes
back to the room to watch television.
13. Dealer Joe's best shtick when a new player sits down
at his table. Joe: "So, where are you
from?" Player: "Texas." Joe:
"Why?" Player: "Why am I from
Texas?" Joe: "No, why are you in Vegas?"
12. In the room at the Rio Hotel, there is a little
window between the shower and the main room that allows the
person in the shower to look out into the main room and watch
TV. Barney thinks it's funny to tap on the glass and wave
when he's in the shower. Homo.
11. A beefy college jock sits down at Dealer Joe's
table. Joe: "So, where are you from?"
Beefy Guy: "Phoenix." Glenn:
"Why?" Glenn gets a death stare and fears for
his life.
10. Dealer Tony at Harrah's tells a guy standing behind
the table watching that he must stand behind the yellow
line. The guy backs up a few feet, searching for this
mysterious yellow line while the whole table falls out laughing.
9. Dealer Joe forgets to give Barney a card even
though Barney gave the hit sign. Barney had doubled-down
on an eleven and the card that should have been his was a queen.
Play stops and the pit boss comes over to resolve the
dispute. Barney is informed that according to the rules,
the queen is washed out and Barney will get another card.
It's a four. Fortunately, the house busts and everyone
wins.
8. Barney's first shit of the weekend somehow
blasts the back of the toilet and leaves several huge brown skid
marks. Ah, bathroom humor.
7. At the Golden Morgue, Glenn, Barney, and Kenny
sit down with AJ, a drunk and obnoxious fool who proclaims that
AJ stands for Amazing John and that the real secret to winning
in Vegas is to be fearless. AJ (or Asshole
John, as he is later dubbed) proceeds to bet $5 each hand while
Glenn bets $20 each hand.
6. Lots of Coronas coupled with a bad case of the
runs on his last day in Vegas help Glenn set a personal record by using public restrooms
59 times in 24 hours.
5. After a bad streak of luck for everyone at the
table, Glenn stands up and gives a big rah-rah speech, declaring
that the table was about to get hot and that the tide will
turn. Glenn goes on to win 14 of the next 16 hands and
everyone else makes quite a bit of money as well.
4. During dinner at the Rainforest Cafe, Kenny
loudly asks, "When are we going to go see some
boobies?" The waitress is standing right behind
Barney. Nice manners.
3. Dealer John at the Rio comes to our table
wearing a nametag that says "Toni." Glenn,
Barney, and Kenny pronounce it "Tahwn-ay" and declare
that John is French.
2. Dealer Joe yelling at every pretty girl that
walks by: "Hey! Blackjack table right
here! No waiting! Immediate seating!"
1. Barney happily wins $400 at the blackjack table
the last night of the trip. Glenn makes his last hand in
Vegas worth it by winning $150 on a backdoor blackjack.
Kenny wins $2 at a craps table and has enough to buy a Sunday
newspaper.
