I’m not afraid to admit it:
I was once in love with spam.
After battling against the thousands of
unwanted emails that had flooded my inbox over the past few
years, I had decided to make a drastic change.
Instead of denouncing, deleting, and degrading spam, I
began to embrace it. I loved spam and it loved me back.
And
why did I love it, you ask?
It’s simple. Spam
is not only entertaining, but it is also educational.
Seriously, it is.
I’m
not kidding here. Anyone
who knows me will tell you that I don’t joke around about
entertainment.
It all started a couple months ago. Every morning I would find the same spam email in my inbox.
Sure the subject lines were always different (to avoid
spam filters), but once I opened the email, I was prompted to
Get Levitra Here Now and was asked What The Heck Was I Waiting
For. Same email,
same sexual dysfunction.
Every
morning, I trashed it.
Delete.
And then it came twice a day.
Delete, delete.
Every day.
Delete,
delete. I began
to get annoyed (as you probably are, at this point).
So then I
decided to do something about it.
I began saving the emails.
All of them. My hope was that one day I would bring a multi-million-dollar
lawsuit against Spam-R-Us and win a landmark decision that would
change the way email--no, the way computers--no, the way our
whole communication and economic infrastructures functioned!
Or, if nothing else, my internet service provider would
at least “look into the problem.”
But as my Cache of No-Longer Trash grew, I started to
really read the subject lines of these emails.
One was entitled
Minerva
Decency Washbowl.
Excuse me? Another
was Dental Doctrinal Polyhedron Indentation.
Hello? What
does that mean? And
what about Alberta Accreditation Gertrude?
What the heck is that?
Then it hit me. These subject lines weren’t just randomly generated in an
attempt to fool spam filters.
These emails were trying to tell me something.
Each subject line was a story.
Or a bit of wisdom.
Or an insight.
After
reading the subject line Anxious Denounce Dumpty, I
sympathized with poor old Dumpty.
Doesn’t he have enough problems without those impatient
bastards picking on him?
With
Order Candle Constructible Preferred, I learned
that candle constructibles are much better than those cheap non-constructibles
(which always seem to fall apart when you try to light them).
And I was relieved to hear that
Caspian
Radiotherapy Inductee Embrace Chemise.
In the end, you never really know which way those
Caspians will go.
I also
couldn’t help but laugh at Dogwood Recent Sexual Putty.
I’ve had that same problem quite a few times (hint:
ice, not heat). Divine
Caribbean Correlate really made me dig deeper into my soul,
in search of that ever-elusive tropical relationship.
And I learned important lessons in Dichotomize Decant
Commune. Never
again will I split that up. What was I thinking?
I was
especially moved by Autopsy Embezzle Sheila.
It’s a shame that such crimes can still happen in a
civilized society. But my faith in mankind was restored after reading Postoperative
Hilarity Parrot Big.
It’s
great that health professionals are using animals to help speed
recovery times. And
although I’m not a big fan of soups, I found Rooftree
Bisque Invective Prevalent to be very informative.
I really had no idea it was that common.
But this morning, I received an email that
really scared me. The
spam had finally crossed the line.
It was an email that hit a little too close to home.
The subject line was
Poignant
Patti Box.
How did they know that?
Personally, I was quite drunk and I can’t remember if
it was poignant or not.
Could
it be--? Is it
possible--? Did they actually talk to her?
And did she mention me?
That was
it. Spam and I were
done. The email
amour was over. I
deleted all of my spam emails and logged off.
And as I leapt up from my computer, I accidentally
spilled my coffee all over my Apology Femur Rail Blouse.
Oh, great.
But I
wasn’t too worried. I
knew with a little Geese Electrolysis Bleach that would
come right out.
