Just an odd thought……
The Global Personal Naming Initiative:
Let's say, at age 10, as a rite of passage into the world community, all citizens of this fine planet are given a nickname. The nicknames would be regulated and distributed by some impartial group. The World Council of Funky Names? Maybe handed out randomly by governments ("Damn, we're gonna have another kid named Muffy? That's it honey, you're cut off.").
I mean, think about it. The world would be a better place if we all had nicknames. How much of a terrorist jack-ass would Osama bin Laden have been if his nickname was Soupy? And how do you think Braves pitcher John "Rainbow" Rocker would have turned out? Or Bill "Hippy-Hipster" Gates? Jack "Daisy" Nicholson? Richard "The Rock" Simmons?
……Um……okay, never mind. Forget it. I must have done too much self-marinating this weekend.
But anyway, the whole reason I have nicknames on the brain is because my evil friends Pat and Matt (no relation) were in town this weekend. With friends like them around, you'd better watch yourself or else you might end with a nickname that ain't too flattering. For example:
*Chris "Barney"……Yup, my roomie has a real name, but no one calls him Chris. Barney has stuck for good. He got his nickname when he wore a purple shirt out to play softball one day. So picture it: a very large man wearing a very large purple shirt. I love you, you love me.
*Darrell "Dunlop"……Dunlop, as in the tire. As in spare tire. As in the little ring of flab around one's waist.
*Sheena "Sheeeeena"……Forced to write down a phone message from Sheena, Matt and I were just a little stumped as to how to spell her name. "OK, let's see here...it's s-h-e-e-…um…uh…e-…e-e-e-…uh…hmm......e-…n- a?" And as he spelled it out, I wrote it down, all 17 e's included.
*Kathleen "Hacksaw"……Since she's a towering 4'11", I once started to call her "Half-Pint." But that's not what came out of my mouth.
*Dave "Riverdance"……Ever seen a guy do an Irish jig at second base after hitting a lead-off double? Neither had we.
*Jeff "Chauffer Boy"……The first night I met Jeff he drove Matt and I around to a couple of bars, since we were too sloshed to even say "bar." And yes, I thanked him (by pinning that nickname on him, of course).
*Steve "BD"……Quite simply, it stand for "Big Dummy." No, he's no dummy, but he is a big guy. So it's a good thing he likes that nickname.
*Todd "King Blowhole" and Scott "Fart Blossom"……Um, don't ask. It's sort of an idiotic guy thing.
*Pat "Big-Ass"……At a bar, someone said that Pat had a big ass, so we had him stand up and do a little runway modeling for us. And in unison, we all shouted "Yeah! Big Ass!"
*Roy "8"……One of my favorites. Roy's a little light in the hair department and he wears jersey # 0 on the softball team. So, just imagine looking at him from the back (we call him "Snowman" too, for the same reason).
Of course, these are the nicknames that my friends know about. There's plenty more underground nicknames, but I can't really afford to buy new friends right now.
And as for me? What nicknames do I have? Well, I've had a few here and there, but nothing that really stuck, I guess. But if you insist, you can call me "Beefmaster General." Like I said, don't ask. It's a
stupid guy thing.
