The Third Best. Believe it:
We refer to the office at my store as
the Air Traffic Control Tower. It's pretty much
hidden from view from the customers because from the
outside it just looks like a door leading into a stockroom or
something. But when you go inside that door, you go up
about 12 stairs to the left and presto, there it is--a little 12 by 15
hideaway . And what really
makes this secret office pretty cool is that it has a grand
panoramic two-way mirror that lets you look out over the whole
store. Okay, maybe 'panoramic' is too strong a word here,
but you get the idea.
Anyway, this two-way mirror is great
for catching unsuspecting shoplifters and eyeballing the occasional
hottie (uh, my assistant managers do that, not me). Most
of the lunkheads who come in my store have no idea that they're
being watched. And let me tell, sometimes--just
sometimes--that makes for some odd shit. Like the other
day......
I was up in the office doing my
normal Managerial Paperwork-Type Duties when I happened to look
out and see a guy acting very suspicious down in the cosmetic aisles (which are right
below the office). He kept wandering around the cosmetic displays and he was definitely
on the lookout for something. Now, when you've been in retail
for 15 years, you can spot these shoplifters-to-be pretty
easily. But the weird thing was that he didn't fit the
normal shoplifter profile (I know, I'm stereotyping, but lay
off). He was in his mid-thirties, nicely dressed in
loafers, khaki pants, and a white button-down shirt.
Junior accountant, to be sure.
Nicely dressed or not, though, this
dude was obviously up to something. He kept looking
around, moving stealthily between the displays, and to top it
off, he seemed to be fumbling with something in his hands.
And what really got me was that there were at least 5 or 6
customers around and my cosmetician Nancy in the
immediate vicinity. I mean, I'm talking about within 10 to
20 feet of this guy. This guy had some balls. But he slyly avoided
all of them in his
little game. Of course though, he had no frickin' clue that I was
watching him. And I was gonna wait until I saw him slip
something in his pocket and then I was going to bust out that
door and nail him. All I had to do was wait.
Finally, he turned the corner around one of the cosmetic display
and there it was:
He had his johnson
out. And he was stroking it. In my cosmetic
aisle.
Unbelievable.
Well, to make a long story short, after I almost shit myself, I
gathered what was left of my senses and called the cops.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, I don't know which), Mr. Masturbator
must have decided that it was too risky and slipped his cock
back in his pants and headed out of the store (without--I
repeat--without finishing). However,
the police did pull up just as he was leaving and they stopped
him cold in the parking lot. Of course, he played stupid,
acting like he had no idea why the cops had nabbed him.
And in the end, we didn't press charges, but we did ban him from
all CVS stores for life.
And yes, to
answer the question you all have at this point, the first question the
officer did ask me was, "Um, did you, uh, actually see his
penis?"
I just thank God I
didn't have to pick him out of a lineup, if you know what I
mean......
