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Well, to continue on with this theme of Fears And Freak Outs, let me
tell you a little bit about the big toe on my left foot.
What? You're done reading already? No, no, no,
wait. It's okay. C'mon back. It's not that bad. Really.
Maybe...
About a month or so ago, I collided with a
first baseman on a close play at first (yes, I was safe) during one of
our church games. Unfortunately, I unintentionally kicked the guy right
in the foot as we collided--and I ended up getting the worst of it. He
must have been wearing steel cleats or something because my big toe felt
like someone had dropped a cinder block on it. It was killing me. After the
game, I gingerly pulled off my cleats and my sock and found that my
big toe was all red and swollen. The nail--although it was still
intact--looked like it had been pulled back quite a bit.
Which brings me to the point of the pointless
story:
I can't stand nails--fingernails or
toenails--being broken, bent back, or otherwise misaligned. It gives me
the heebie-jeebies like nothing else can.
As a matter of fact, I got the heebie-jeebies
right now just thinking about it. I don't even like cutting my
own nails, for chrissakes. Sure, I can stand people bleeding all over
the place or their guts hanging out or eating bugs (that's another story
for another time), but don't come to me with your toenail story. I won't
have it. Don't bring that shit around here. And do you know that
commercial for Lamisil with the cartoon fungus dude who's talks about
how he likes to get under toenails--and then actually lifts up the
guy's toenail? I hate it. I have to change the channel. It's too much
for me.
So anyway, despite the pain in my left big toe,
it seemed like it was on its way to healing okay. It turned a lovely
shade of purplish-black, but the pain went away after a few days and I
figured all was right in Toe Land.
Wrong.
This morning, I accidentally kicked the corner
of my desk. In bare feet. Right on the tip of the nail. Ka-shing!
The goddamn thing popped open like the hood of a car, with only a tiny piece
of the nail holding it onto my toe.
Freak Out Central.
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2000-2006