Hello and welcome to
Achoo! and our weekly online
chat! Today, we have a very special
guest……The Answer Man! Yes, yes, it's
quite a coup for us to be able to chat
today with this master of all the
answers. I, for one, am very
excited!The Answer Man has just
completed the talk show circuit
promoting his new best-selling book
"What, Are You Some Kinda Retard?" in
which he answers questions such as how
to use a public urinal, what happens
when you stick a fork in a toaster, and
the deep and insightful question of why
cats really shouldn't be taught to fly.
And now he's here with us live
today!
My name is Grievous Filbert
and I'll be your host and moderator
today. Before we begin, let's go over a
few rules of Achoo! Online Chat.
First, please keep all of your
questions short and to the point. Also,
please
no profanity, racism, porn, or
gargling.
Alright, let's get
started……
Grievous: On behalf of
Achoo!, welcome Answer Man!
Answer Man: Thanks.
Grievous: OK Answer Man, if
you're ready, let's go to our first
question from the online audience.
WideAwakeInAmerica: Answer Man,
I'm having trouble falling asleep at
night. What do you suggest?
Answer Man: Well, the first thing
you should do is turn out your bedroom
light. And also make sure you're
actually in the bed, rather than on the
floor or in the closet. And most
importantly, close your eyes. A lot of
people fail to do this and they end up
lying in bed all night staring
pointlessly at the freakin' ceiling.
WideAwakeInAmerica: Wow, I
haven't tried that, but I will.
Thanks!
Answer Man: Yeah sure,
whatever.
Unwanted1: I just finished
reading your book, Answer Man, and let
me just say it has really turned my life
around. Especially the chapter on how
to chew gum without the wrapper on it!
Anyway, my girlfriend and I are having
some problems. I'm a fairly attractive
24-year-old male and our sex life used
to be great. But, ever since my
quadruple-amputation, she's no longer
interested in having sex with me. I
just can't figure out what's wrong.
Answer Man: Alright pal,
let me ask you this: Have you ever
screwed a tree stump before?
Unwanted1: Um, no.
Answer Man: Well, try that and
then you'll have your answer. Next
question.
Grievous: Wow. That's great,
Answer Man. OK, here's a question from
Tripping. Go ahead, Tripping.
Tripping: Thanks. Can you tell
me why I keep stepping on my shoelaces?
I mean, I spent a good 4 hours putting
the laces through the little holes, but
when I walk I keep stepping on the ends
of the laces.
Answer Man: OK, Tripping, this
might be a little difficult for you to
understand, but you need to tie the ends
of the laces together. I'd tell you
how, but I don't have that much time and
I'm sure you'll need a fucking diagram.
Tripping: Hey, I'll try that.
But won't it be a little tough for me to
walk when the laces on the left shoe are
tied to the laces on the right????
Answer Man: Jesus…
Lost_Larry: Help! I had an itch
on my left arm this morning and I kept
scratching and scratching and scratching
and now half my arm is covered by a
festering rash!
Answer Man: Two words for ya,
bub: Benadryl now. Or you could take
the more radical step and stop your
goddamn scratching.
Grievous: OK! PetLover! Welcome!
What's your question?
PetLover: Answer Man, my pet
goldfish is floating upside down. Is he
okay?
Answer Man: Oh sure, he's fine.
It's just his way of telling you that
you don't need to feed him anymore.
PetLover: Thank god! I thought
he was just upset that I used Drano to
clean his tank.
Answer Man: No, no, no. Fish
love household chemicals. As a matter
of fact, if his tank starts to smell
like shit in a few weeks, just go ahead
and spray some Glade right in there.
He'll appreciate it. And let's all hope
that you don't have any kids.
PetLover: Not yet!
Answer Man: Keep it that way.
Grievous: Alright folks, we have
time for just one more question for The
Answer Man. BizLaw4U, you're up!
BizLaw4U: Thank you, Grievous.
Answer Man, I'm working on a law case
that I'm having a little trouble with.
Now I know that the Rule Against
Perpetuities applies only to contingent
or conditional interests (contingent
remainders and executory interests), but
does it apply to other future interests,
including the possibilities of reverter?
And will a state adopt a "wait-and-see"
attitude to see whether such an interest
does in fact vest within the specified
time?
Grievous: Excellent question!
Answer Man?
Answer Man: Um……five.
Grievous: OK! That's gonna be it
for today's Achoo! Online
Chat!
BizLaw4U: Five?
Grievous: Answer Man, thank you
so much for taking the time to answer
some burning questions for us today!
Grievous: Answer Man?
Grievous: Well, I guess he's
logged off already. Anyhow, join us on
Achoo! Online Chat next week when
our guest uber-physicist Stephen Hawking
will take your questions about
gardening! Goodnight and God Bless!
