Alright, here's the first of my best four stories……well, make that three best stories; my all-time best story I really shouldn't tell in mixed company (let's just say it involves an airport metal detector). Of course, I may get drunk one of these days and post it to the site……

The Fourth Best………Before I became a CVS manager, I used to work directly for the district manager in a sort of firefighting capacity. I went from store to store and helped out where needed. You know, help set up their seasonal merchandise, cleaned out stockrooms, smacked the managers around, etc. The good thing about my position was that I was my own boss as well as my own employee. And the bad thing was that I was forever cleaning up other people's shit.

But I digress. Anyway, one day I was working at a CVS pretty close to my parent's house. So, being the Cheap Charlie that I am, I stopped by around lunchtime and let myself in with my key.  Anyone home?  Nope?  Pantry-raid!  I dug through the cupboards and found a can of Hormel chili (oh yeah, with beans, of course). The lunch of champions. I scrounged through the fridge and found some sour cream and some onions in the back. And they even had some Tabasco, bless their hearts. So I popped this concoction in the nuker and set myself down for a nice fulfilling lunch.

Not.

Thirty minutes later, I was suffering from what could best be described as death.

I was heaving every last chunk in my stomach into my parent's guest bathroom for a good twenty minutes.  Man, I've had some drunken pukes before, but this was ungodly. Once I finally pried my lips off the toilet seat, I crawled into the kitchen and checked the date on the Hormel can in the trash. No, it was still good. The sour cream? No, fine too. The Tabasco? Yeah, right. Like Tabasco goes bad. Okay, how about the onions? Well, they were a little small, but they were okay as well. Chopped like onions, tasted like onions. Hmm. Something had to have made me uncontrollably rip out my stomach lining.

Well, needless to say, I didn't go back to work, but instead I drove unsteadily home and went right to bed. That evening, I called my mom and told her the story. She gave me the usual, "Oh dear, are you alright?" and all that. Yeah, I was fine, but I was still trying to figure out what the hell I ate that knocked me over. Mom said that she had just bought the chili, so it couldn't be that. I told her about the sour cream. No, she said, that still had another two weeks before it went bad. What else did you have on it, she asked? Tabasco. We both ruled that out, since I am the reigning King of Tabasco. What else? Well, the onions. The ones in the back of the fridge……

There was a long silence on my mom's end of the phone before she burst out laughing. "Glenn, I got those from our neighbors. They weren't onions, they were tulip bulbs! They keep better in the fridge!"

Jesus fucking christ……