Due to the current labor negotiations between the USWJ (Union of Slightly Whacked Journalist) and the UBWP (Union of Busy Weekend Plans), unfortunately we will be unable to bring you today's (*insert name of journal here*). We apologize for the inconvenience and hope to have the issue resolved as quickly as possible.

In the place of (*insert name of journal here*), we are proud to bring you the copyright-infringed production of The Best Of Steven Wright.

We thank you for your impatience and misunderstanding in this matter.

The Best Of Steven Wright

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever--so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day.....24 beers in a case.....coincidence?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism--to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.