Alright all you complainers, I'd just like to say that I've written quite a few things in the past month. It just so happens that I chose not to post these literary nuggets on Way Out In Left. Understand? No?……Well, fine then! Be that way. Just for all you maggots, here is a small example of my amazing writing talent that has gone unpublished in the last 30 days:

I wrote an incredible writing sample for two of my favorite employees for their English class……

TO: All Employees
FROM: Glenn Arnold
DATE: August 30, 2000

Effective immediately, all inter-office correspondence as well as all correspondence with customers must include a Cover Letter explaining, 1) What parties are responsible for the correspondence or product delivery, 2) The responsible parties' phone numbers, 3) Any notes or other information (especially in dealing with product delivery to the customer) that may be needed, and 4) The name of the responsible parties' direct supervisor.

As an example, if you are sending out a Budget Forecast to a customer, you must use the Cover Letter with all of your information as well as your direct supervisor's name and you must use the Cover Letter to explain any unresolved Budgeting issues. Whereas in the past, we have put notes about unresolved issues on the bottom of the Budget Forecast, you are now required to have a separate sheet (Cover Letter).

We feel that this new Cover Letter will not only eliminate any confusion as to notes and information about the products delivered to the customers, but it will also allow the customer to easily contact the correct parties should the need arise. As for inter-office correspondence, the Cover Letter will be helpful in determining what parties originally generated the correspondence, thus eliminating unneeded time spent attempting to locate the source of the correspondence.

Breathtaking, ain't it? I also whipped off some liner notes for a U2 CD that I burned:

Ultimate U2? Could we have a definition, please?……Well, like pretty much everything else, the answer to that is quite complicated. It's a mix of great writing, impassioned live performances, funky beats (yes, believe it or not), "classic" U2 songs, fantastic singing, and-of course-tunes that have some sort of special meaning. So, in other words, each of these 15 tracks (plus the two add-ons) made the cut for a variety of reasons……

Without a doubt, U2 is at its best live. Popping in one of their CD's is one thing, but seeing them live is on a whole different level. "Where The Streets Have No Name," "Pride (In The Name Of Love)," and "Sunday Bloody Sunday" were recorded during the tour in which I first went to see my boys: The Joshua Tree Tour in the fall of '87. This version of "Streets" is actually the opening song on the opening night of the tour in Tempe' Arizona. No matter how many times I play this version, the hairs on the back of my neck still stand up. "Pride" comes from the "Rattle And Hum" CD/movie, and I rate it as their best and cleanest-sounding live performance of the song. As for "Sunday Bloody Sunday", well the only thing I can say is that this has to be one of the angriest live versions of the song. On this particular day, while U2 was deep into their American tour, violence broke out in Northern Ireland when a bomb exploded in the middle of a Remembrance Day Parade in Inneskillen. Needless to say, Bono had quite a few choice words on stage that night. "Running To Stand Still" and "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" (with the addition of the lyrics to Exodus and Dirty Old Town) are from a New Year's Eve show in their hometown of Dublin in 1989. "With Or Without You" is also from that show. U2 stepped onstage at midnight and proceeded to rock in the new decade with style and emotion. This was also the night that Bono declared that U2 needed to "go away and dream it all up again." And a year later, we all were jolted with the very un-U2 "Achtung Baby." Jolted and thrilled, I might add. The live tunes are rounded out with two recordings that I consider sort of benchmarks for me personally. When I was probably at the lowest point in my life, this emotional live version of "Please" really helped to pull me through. Although the lyrics are political, I applied them to my personal situation at the time. As for the epic eight-minute "Bad," this is the song that drew me into U2. One night back in my teenage days, I taped the last half of this version of "Bad" on a little hand-held cassette recorder (off of a clock radio, no less) and was hooked. "Bad" is not only my favorite U2 song, but my favorite song of all-time.

The album tracks might not have the punch that the live tracks do, but they're all important in their own ways. "Mysterious Ways" was the first single off of "Achtung Baby" and it has to be the funkiest U2 song I've ever heard. When I first heard it, I recognized Larry's drums and Adam's bass right off, but I couldn't believe it was the Edge that I was hearing doing his best porno music imitation. "I Will Follow" isn't a great song and it doesn't even rank in my personal Top 20 U2 Songs, but since it was the first U.S. single for the band back in 1980, it has to be included. The same can be said for "New Year's Day." It was quite an MTV staple in 1983 (when MTV stilled played videos) and "New Year's Day"-with the Edge playing guitar and piano almost simultaneously-was my first real exposure to their music. Many people consider "One" to be U2's best overall song and I have to agree. The music is simply outstanding and the lyrics are poignant, beautiful, and heart-wrenching. Likewise, "All I Want Is You" is another song that's truly great. As far as I'm concerned, "All I Want Is You" is the ultimate love song. And last but definitely not least, the CD-version of "40" is included here because this is the song that U2 used to close their shows with-it was the song that 50,000 of us sang as we left the stadium into the night. Although this studio version is quite weak when compared to the live version, any recording of them playing it live doesn't do the song justice. You just had to be there.

Call my agent, I'm ready to have the masses throw their money at me. And here's a hilarious email that I sent out shortly after Matt announced to me that he wasn't really moving in with me after Barney moved out:

Man, I just fell out when I wrote that. I kill me! And look at this fine writing right here:

After the press conference, Sparky and Geek Boy played with Doggy-Time for a bit and exchanged hey-you's and hey-me's and then went to sleeeeep. Of course, Dork retired to the Funhouse to twitch and Goofy returned to the Cave, but in all due time Goofy (who could actually hit with power sometimes--if he had his flair) was introduced to the Bell Witch and all of Lucifer's pals, including Squeaky Centipede, Quadriplegic Cow, Faggoty Parrot, the Rainbow Coalition Space Station, Sheepbee, and the Amoeba. The attacking came later on, as it seemed to be the all-star break all the time (despite the new catching equipment) or else they had to deal with the Dominator or else it was nine o'clock. But as things progressed, the sweeties were giving each other shouts several times a day, and despite yells of "Pepperoni!" and the playing of show tunes, our heroes became quite used to the throwing-star pillows and were able to say, "Grrrrr, wow," whenever they pleased.

……Um, yeah……*Ahem*......Never mind......See you all in another month.